Letters

Hi Nadine,I am a 20-year-old university student. I live in a joint family set-up. My father and two uncles have separate portions, but a big common living room. Sometimes my parents and uncles and their wives have differences but in spite of that they all get along very well with each other; in fact, even my aunts and mother are fond of each other. In the same way my siblings and I have great relationship with our paternal cousins. We have all grown up virtually like brothers and sisters and have always been there for each other. The problem is that our parents are trying to set us together, and it is driving me, and even the others, crazy. My cousin G and I have always been close as we like same things and understand each other very well, but I never thought that I would be asked to marry him. I was stunned when my eldest uncle and aunt brought his proposal and my father and mother didn’t even bother to ask me if it was all right with me! I thought G would understand my concern and I called him to talk this through. I couldn’t believe he had no problem with this match. He told me it is permissible in Islam and there is nothing wrong with cousins marrying each other. I told him I considered him my brother and would not be able to accept him in any other role, and he just laughed! My mother just asked me once if I have someone else in mind and when I said no she just shrugged and said it will be all right. She told me only my own brother is my brother and no else can be my real brother. I feel very disturbed and don’t quite know what to do. No one is taking my side and they are all treating me like an imbecile. Do you have a solution for me?Anxious RDear Anxious R,In this day and age, joint family set-ups are fast becoming a thing of the past, so your family is lucky to be blessed with members who care about each other. Your parents want you to marry your cousin because they know him and his parents and trust that you would be happy with them. Your mother and G are right; G isn’t your brother and there is no bar to cousin marriage in Islam. You thought of him as your brother but clearly he had no such sisterly feelings for you as he told you there is nothing wrong with cousin marriages. If he had a problem, he would have told his parents and this shows he probably likes you. You also are attached to him, understand him which is a basis for a good marriage. So, since there is no one else you like in a romantic way, consider G’s proposal and its advantages. You will not have to adjust among people totally unknown to you, with different lifestyles. Since your parents get along well, there is a chance that you will be spared the usual problems a girl has to face with her in-laws. Cousin marriage has its advantages but some genetic problems may crop up in the offspring. As a preventive measure, you both should have blood tests done before this proposal is accepted.My dear, it’s your life and your choice, so if you cannot overcome this aversion to marrying a cousin, tell your parents firmly now. Trust your parents’ judgement, too, as they know you and will not do anything that might hurt you. Good luck!Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.comWrite to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi. 

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