Letters

Dear Nadine,I am a 26-year-old working woman. I got married six months ago and since then my life has become miserable. I am the only daughter of my parents and had a very sheltered life. I was hardly required to help out with any household chores and devoted my time to studies. I did MBA and straight away landed a good job. Five months after I started working, a proposal came through my paternal uncle. Everyone liked M and his family and my uncle vouched for his character. So, in no time, I found myself married, and went to another city to live with my husband and his family.M is a very good and caring husband and I spent the first month in sheer bliss. Then, I don't know why, my mother-in-law's attitude changed and my happiness started dwindling. Her first attack came when I applied for job. She categorically told me that I should not work, and M stayed quiet. Later on, he told me to give him some time to speak to his mother. I agreed, because I did not have any other option. Then my mother-in-law removed the full time maid and got a part-time maid for cleaning and washing. Initially, she did the cooking, and one day she said she was not well and told me to cook. I got really upset because I could only make tea and make omelette! Then I called my mom, who calmed me down and told me how to make aloo gosht and daal. It was not really bad, but my mother-in-law told me I had to learn to cook. After that, she would sit on a chair in the kitchen, and make me do all the cutting, frying and tell everyone she had cooked the food. She has me working in the kitchen throughout the day and despite that, she complains to M that I do nothing. She keeps passing negative comments about my mother who did not teach me how to cook and do household work. I feel so frustrated because she keeps watching me all the time and uses bad language: when I get up, what I wear, how long I spend on cell phone ... she keeps a check on everything as if I am in a jail. Nadine, despite the fact that I love M, I cannot live under a microscope all the time! My mother-in-law acted so sweet when she came to our house, but now I can't believe she is the same woman. I am so fed up that I want to go back to my parents' house where I was loved. M is worried about the situation and keeps telling me to give things times, but I don't think his mother will change. I asked M to give me a separate house but he says he cannot leave his parents as he is their only offspring. In this situation, I feel I must decide about my prospects. Should I just forget the life I had before getting married and live like a slave, or should I leave M before I bring another life into this equation? I don’t know how to come out of this coil...Trapped DoveDear Trapped Dove,Six months into your marriage and you are ready to quit despite claiming that you love your husband? You need to calm down and think through carefully about your problems and their solutions. The first and foremost problem seems to be food. You didn't cook in your mother's house, which isn't really that remarkable. Nowadays, not many girls learn to cook before they complete their education, or before they are wed. Your mother-in-law could have been more understanding but who says we live in an ideal world? Instead of panicking, you should have used YouTube. You are an educated girl and with technology at your finger tips, you don't need to fret about how to cook and what to cook. As for wanting to work, that is your right, but all rights come with duty. You are a married woman now and running the house is your responsibility, too. Do your bit and make sure things are managed smoothly. Your mother-in-law has no right to pass comments on your mother, and this is something you should take up with M seriously. Tell him to speak to his mother about using abusive language as you will not take it. M told you to give him time, and I think you have given him enough time. Start reminding him first casually and then persistently. Keep looking for a job, and once you find something, talk to M about it. Tell him that you would pay for another maid from your salary. Also, you might mention that if you are away from home part of the day, maybe tension between your mother-in-law and you will lessen. My dear, relationships are not built overnight; a lot of time and effort must be invested to make them work. So don't give up just like that, especially since you love your husband. Improve your relationship with M and show him that you are a decent human being and want to co-exist with his mother. Give her respect, but don't let her walk all over you. M is right about one thing though: give things time to settle down and they will.Best of luck!

from The News International - You http://bit.ly/2DGeuQf