Letters

Hi Professor,I am a 28-year-old working woman. I am a doctor and work at a clinic. I got married in November last year, and right from day one I had serious problems. My mother-in-law is bed-ridden and two of my sisters-in-law are married. The youngest sister-in-law is unmarried. She gave up studies after failing to pass her Intermediate (FSc) exam, so she is at home with nothing to do. I had to start working right after my Valima. The maid didn’t turn up, and my mother-in-law called my husband on mobile and told him to ask me to make breakfast for everyone. I did not even know where the kitchen was, and I asked my husband to call my sister-in-law to help me out. When my husband went to call her, instead of coming down she went to her mother and created a scene. My mother-in-law scolded me and my husband in front of all the guests who were staying at our house for the wedding. Anyway, somehow I managed to get through this problem but it was just the beginning. Before I got married, they had two maids, one for washing and cleaning and the other for kitchen work. My mother-in-law dismissed the kitchen help, saying that with ‘bahu’ in the house she didn’t need to waste her money on a maid. My in-laws made my life hell, and things became even worse when my leave finished. I was told to make sure all work was done before I left for work. I tried to do my best, but couldn’t cope as I wasn’t used to doing household chores. My husband told me to leave my job out of frustration only; he is a good man and tries to help me, but can’t do anything about his mother’s behaviour. He says she is invalid and if he speaks to her about asking my sister-in-law to help out, she will think that he has changed after getting married. And he told me that his mother is prone to fits when she gets angry, so he is afraid she would have a fit and he will be blamed for it. I understand this because my mother-in-law and sister-in-law are drama queens and a simple man like my husband cannot handle them. My father-in-law and married sisters-in-law are quite nice, but they don’t want to make my mother-in-law angry, so even though they realize I am being treated badly, they don’t speak up for me. I don’t want to leave my job, but I can’t cope with so much work at home. My work is hard and I come home drained. But I can’t rest because I have to manage dinner and tea. I have not told my parents because I don’t want to upset them. I didn’t know married life would be so hard! Bride of two months only, I have lost my zest for life. Do you have any solutions for me?Worried DocDear Worried Doc,You are an educated and sensible girl, and can handle in-laws problems if you put your mind to it. Household chores are the bane of all new brides who have in-laws like yours. You are, however, lucky because your husband is good. Your mother-in-law is using her health as a weapon and any son would be afraid of endangering his mother’s health. Instead of talking to her about letting his sister help out, why don’t you engage a maid? Your mother-in-law dismissed her maid because she doesn’t want to waste her money, but if you pay the maid’s wages out of your salary, she wouldn’t have an excuse to ask you to do all kitchen work. If that doesn’t work out, you will have to speak to your father-in-law, and ask him to intercede. Don’t worry; these problems are part and parcel of married life in a joint family. With the passage of time, things will improve. It’s only been two months, so give things time to settle down. Good luck!Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.comWrite to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I Chundrigar Road, Karachi. 

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