Letters

Dear Nadine,I have a 29-year-old daughter, who is beautiful, highly educated and intelligent. Unfortunately, she has fallen in love with a 37-year-old guy. She has been going out with him for three years now. The guy is married with two children. My daughter says that he will divorce his wife and marry her. He told her that his children will live with their mother after the divorce, and he just needs some time to make things work. To me it is clear that he is just stringing my daughter along. This guy has a good personality and is rich. He is from upper-class while we belong to middle-class. I don’t think this relationship will go anywhere, as three years is not a short time. I have told my daughter to break up with him, but she is totally smitten. I yelled at her few days back when she refused to break up with him and told her that the guy is just passing time. Since she is working in a multinational, she is not dependent on us financially, and my husband told me that if I keep pressing her to leave this guy, she might do something reckless. I don’t know what to do. I want to see her married, but she keeps refusing good proposals for this guy. I have told her many times she will regret it if she doesn’t listen to me, but it doesn’t affect her. She is so intelligent but is acting like a simple uneducated girl. What can I do to make her understand that she is wasting precious years of her life? Please help!Worried MotherDear Worried Mother,Your daughter is a mature young woman, educated and independent. You cannot make her understand anything by having a shouting match with her. She is serious about this guy and trusts him enough to believe that he will leave his wife with whom he has two children. I agree with your assessment that this guy is just stringing her along, but since she is in love she is not thinking logically; breaking another woman’s home is not something a good girl would do just like that. So try to make her realise that a man just doesn’t give up his wife and children. But the most important thing is to make her understand that her happiness is your first priority, so do all you can to assure her you will not get into the way of her happiness. Since your daughter is intelligent, try to reason with her. Ask her why it’s taking him forever to work things. Three years is a long time, and your daughter is already 29. How long does this guy want her to wait? Tell your daughter that you want to meet the parents of that guy to discuss your marriage. You can also convey to her that if the guy is serious, he will not mind your parents meeting his parents. If he is not serious, he will just come up with some excuse and ask for more time. In that case, your daughter should tell the guy to do something to assure her parents that he is sincere about marrying her. My dear, you are worried about your daughter and your anxiety makes you lose your temper. As a result, you shout at your daughter and make her firmer in her resolve to not break up with this guy. Stay calm and cool, and do all you can to make her breakup, but, if the guy is really serious about your daughter and divorces his wife, you will have to put on a good face and accept him or end up breaking up with your daughter. Good luck!Problems that need a solution? You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.comWrite to Prof. Nadine Khan, ­c/o Editor ‘You!’ magazine, The News, Al-Rehman Building (4th Floor) I.I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi.

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